GREEN WITH ENVY: Amazon Says It Will Buy Greenpeace USA In $212 Million Deal

Source – earthfirstjournal.org

“…Amazon says that Greenpeace USA CEO, Annie Leonard, will remain in that role. “She can deal with all the calls from pissed-off hippies” said one unnamed Amazon communications official…“Greenpeace has been profiting off of grassroots environmental activism for years,” said Bezos, adding, “they’re doing an amazing job at it and we want that to continue”

SM: Hallelujah!…I’ve been saying Greenpeace stock is a major play for years…

Amazon Says It Will Buy Greenpeace USA In $212 Million Deal

Amazon is buying Greenpeace USA, in a merger that values Greenpeace USA at $212 million dollars. The internet retailer (and book seller, pharmaceutical company, grocery store, etc…) says it’s buying Greenpeace USA for the name recognition, industrial climbing skills, and their warehouses, but will be laying off about half of Greenpeace’s employees.

Greenpeace, which was founded in 1971 as a small direct action-focused environmental group, has expanded into a large multinational NGO with an operating budget of over 200 million dollars. Greenpeace USA is the US affiliate.

Amazon CEO and third creepiest man on earth, Jeff Bezos, justified the deal to investors, arguing, “Our marketing algorithms increasingly show that people are concerned about the decline of our Earth’s living systems, and I think any viable company would move to capture that widening demographic.” The sale, which has not yet been approved by Amazon shareholders, is expected to be concluded in the second half of 2019.

Amazon says that Greenpeace USA CEO, Annie Leonard, will remain in that role. “She can deal with all the calls from pissed-off hippies” said one unnamed Amazon communications official.

“Greenpeace has been profiting off of grassroots environmental activism for years,” said Bezos, adding, “they’re doing an amazing job at it and we want that to continue.”

In their news release, Amazon says all their factory workers will be undergoing Greenpeace climb training, with the ultimate goal of expanding factory productivity and drone delivery by having workers moving boxes on climb lines and traverses to enable three dimensional non-stop aerial packaging.

For Amazon, the move furthers its outreach to liberals after its purchase of Whole Foods and Jeff Bezos’ public spats with Trump. For Greenpeace, the move furthers its push to be bigger and larger and have more influence on corporations in order to Protect the Earth™. In addition, Greenpeace USA will be gaining full access to Amazon’s satellites to increase scouting capabilities.

Leonard defended the move on Greenpeace USA’s part saying, “While we don’t agree with many of Amazon’s business practices, at least now we have a seat at the table to make some compromises in defense of mother earth. Plus, their drones are going to be totally LEED-certified, and you can now order an Alexa device for your home, pre-loaded with direct action and security culture trainings.”

In a race to catch up with Amazon, rumor has it that Google has resorted to the old pen and paper to fill the Earth First! Journal’s PO Box with pleas for a merger. No Journal editors were available for comment (they were too busy talking shit to answer the phone), but the next issue of the magazine will be available to download directly to your consciousness.

(Original) EDITORS NOTE: This is obviously an April Fools joke, you dorks, but we’re sure Jeff Bezos wishes it wasn’t, as we all know he is an undead creep who won’t rest until he has dug his pale lecherous fingers into every corner of the earth.

SM:…Damn, figured Jeff Bozo was planning on announcing Greenpeace Mars along side Blue Origin….Nothing like an April Fool’s gag in June. Greenpeace has waged the good fight for many decades, let’s count our lucky stars & send along a gift of appreciation. 

Jeff Bezos wants space colonies – https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2019/05/10/jeff-bezoss-new-plans-space-have…

Amazon Says It Will Buy Greenpeace USA In $212 Million Deal

 

 

 

 

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